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[Saturday . February 23rd, 2008 at 3:09am] |
みんな、
友達って、意味は何だろう？
やっぱり、意味がない。むりだ。
悲しいだけど、それは本当だよ。
一人でいることはいいね。
だけど、欲しい。
涙止まらないのに、友達が欲しい。
どうして分からないけど。
よろしくね。
I don't know what happened, but more than I want anything in the world , I just want things to be the way they were.
Edit: If you can read my last post I'm sorry. But please read it, though?
Edit edit: Something tells me I may never be a good translator. I tried to write that out in English because I actually want you guys to be able to understand that. And I couldn't get it to sound the same.
Maybe tomorrow.
Or maybe I should just give up on Japanese, now.
I really do suck at it, anyway.
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[Tuesday . February 19th, 2008 at 5:08pm] |
I've seriously had it with the entire human race. No more friendships. Ever. Again.
I'm going on hiatus. From human contact. From friendship. I'm just done.
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| Wondering... |
[Monday . January 21st, 2008 at 9:10am] |
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Hello. So...I'm really in great shape at the moment. I feel like...Dude, where's my friend Lauren when I need her? *lacking an appropriate analogy* There's no other way to describe this, except that...I feel like a person in a fantasy tale, who transforms into a monster under certain conditions, despite how much they wish that they wouldn't...OH, LUPIN. There we go.
I feel so awful. I want to go hide behind Jed. T_T Instead, I have to leave the house in half an hour. As soon as I get home, I know that I'll turn into the version of me that isn't really me at all. The one whose heart aches, the one who doesn't like people, the one who can't think anything but "I want to go home," who's tempted to run out of her house at 2 AM, get to the highway, and just keep walking.
But you know what? School starts tomorrow. Even if I collapse tonight, I can go find Yoshiko-sensei tomorrow and all will be right with the world again.
But I just really don't want to turn into a monster. >_>
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[Tuesday . January 8th, 2008 at 2:01am] |
There are some feelings that you can't shake off, no matter how hard you try.
There are some tears that you can't hold back, no matter how much you might want to.
There are some times when you can't help but feel afraid, even if you really don't have anything to be afraid of.
No matter how I try to shake off my bad feelings or stop my tears, I just can't do it.
It's so difficult to be happy when everyone around you is miserable. It's so difficult not to blame yourself when things go wrong, if everyone tells you that it's your fault.It's self-destructive to dislike yourself, but yet I...should be disliking myself. I don't think that I'm selfish, but...that must mean I truly am. I don't want to write this post, but when it comes to keeping calm, writing is one of the only things that I know. Sadness and guilt and loneliness is filling my heart and I can't get rid of it. Is it so wrong to want ONE SHRED of emotional stability in my household? So wrong to wish that people didn't have emotional breakdowns at the drop of a hat, breakdowns that I'm blamed for?
I'm currently sitting under my desk. Yes, under it. Because it's giving me comfort to keep myself separate from all the pain in my house-even if only symbolically. I'm hiding.
I've given up trying to stop my tears. They'll stop on their own.
I know I'm strong. I really do.
But as long as I'm in this house, this strength is hidden. It's like I checked it at the front door. This stuff-it's too close to my heart and the very core of my being.
WHY is winter vacation until the 22nd? WHYYYYY?
I want to go back to school NOW. Classes need to start right NOW.
I HURT SO MUCH.
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| 「本当に嫌い。。。じゃない。」 |
[Saturday . January 5th, 2008 at 1:26am] |
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Girly~Otsuka Ai |
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Nyaaaaaa, this puppy feels all warm and fuzzy and happy~. ^____^
She's going to write about the past few days-backwards. ;P
Kay, so...tonight, I saw Nicole and Tara for the first time in several months. It had been a really long time and I'm sorry about that...but to my defense, both of you have been uber busy, too. We went to the mall, along with our friend Arielle, and I had SOOOOO MUCH FUN. *still hyper* I'm so glad that I got to see everyone! <3 And Nicole also found me really warm leggings, and I bought two shirts (pink and blue...but those were the only colors they came in...*hides from a certain person who's rolling her eyes right now*)
I just want to point out here that my friends really make me smile. This year, I couldn't afford to buy holiday gifts for my friends, so I told everyone not to get me anything. Yet, some of my friends decided to be really sweet and give me gifts, anyway. I love all of the gifts, but even more, it means so much of me that my friends wanted to make me happy. <3333 T_T I love you all so much! And I have to share how much I love these things because I can't help it.
So, back to today. The four of us were at the mall. And Arielle put on a scarf that made her look like an autumn decoration. ;P
After that, I went to Nicole's house for a quick visit with Marissa, who was there hanging out with Danielle (Nicole's sister) and our friend Stephanie.
LET'S SEE. Well, I guess I'll write about everything else in order. Because I'd confuse myself too much if I REALLY tried to write the whole thing backwards. ;P
Sooooo, tonight was full of love and win. I find it that phrase really amusing...which is probably why I use it.
The past few days were incredible, also! On Wednesday morning, after missing the bus I was supposed to take, I hopped onto one to New York. IT WAS A REALLY COLD DAY. But the fun day was worth being freezing. I met Cassi at Book Off, where we stayed for a RECORD short amount of time. We were pretty much out of there as soon as we met up with her friend Robert. Then, we spent the day running around from sparkle~y jewelry store to sparkle~y jewelry store. And Toys R Us and the new Kinokuniya. Later on, Cassi's friends Jackie and Jessenia came to meet us, and we had an awesome time at karaoke!
Quote of the night~.
Me: *singing Miyavi's "Kekkonshiki no Uta"* 「本当にきらいだよ！」("Hontou ni kirai da yo!")
Cassi: 「きれいだよ！」("Kirei da yo!")
Me: "Eheheheh. >_> Oops."
"Hontou ni kirai da yo!" means "I really hate you!"
"Hontou ni kirei da yo!" means "You're really pretty!"
I *knew* what it should have been but...*laughs to self* I still can't believe I said that. *went around saying it the next two days*
Then, we went back to her house and watched several minutes of the Hana Kimi drama before deciding that we were exhausted. So we went to bed...but didn't go to sleep for at least another hour. ;P
Then, on Thursday, we went to the Garden State Plaza mall in Paramus. When Cassi told me about that mall, I originally confused it with one that I've actually been to, the Jersey Gardens Mall. The Jersey Gardens Mall is HUGE, but the Garden State Plaza mall just...overwhelmed me with it's gigantic-ness. We had a rather magical day, which included Cassi buying everything that she had set out to buy, me buying a Mashumaro notebook (he's my favorite Sanrio character <3), finding the most adorable Harry Potter shirts ever on sale at Hot Topic, AND having every single bus show up exactly as we needed it. Literally, as soon as we got to every bus stop, a bus showed up. With the exception of the last one, which maybe took about...three minutes to arrive. It was so cold ouuuut, but again, our adventure was totally worth being cold for a little while.
Last night, Cassi decided that she wanted to play dress-up, so she transformed herself into Lily Evans (Harry Potter's mother.) I put on Cassi's Nana wig, just to see what I'd look like with that hairstyle. And it really freaked me out. I walked into Cassi's room with the wig on, and her reaction was, "WHOA, you look like Snape!" So...I'm her Snape now~. X333
We were sooooo insanely hyper about it all night last night, because we're both big Harry Potter fans, and...now we get to wear these costumes together at Katsu. <3333
I can't believe that I dressed up as a guy... :P
Let's see, what else? Today, I was going to go home early in the morning before Cassi went to work, and then I thought, "Naaaah." So I followed her to work like the puppy that I am. She works at Mitsuwa Marketplace, in Edgewater, New Jersey. I had gone there only once, about three years ago, soooo it was so interesting to see it again after all that time (and they remodeled. ;P) I went shopping (I bought myself a pencil case and notebooks for Cassi and myself) and talked to Cassi while she stocked toys~. And hung out with her during her lunch break. But the most successful thing of the day? I ATE FOOD.
I haven't had the biggest appetite in general, lately. But for a couple of days this past week, I was barely able to eat at all. I'd take a bite of food, start to feel full, try to force myself to eat more, and feel sick to my stomach. It turns out that it was most likely a side effect of either the antibiotic or the decongestant that I was taking for the ear infection that I got right after Christmas. I didn't take my pills last night or today, and I was able to eat pretty well all day! I had a bowl of miso ramen at Mitsuwa (YUMMY), cream yaki (like taiyaki, only with cream inside instead of red bean paste...SO GOOD), and I almost finished a giant salad when I went to the mall later on, at night. I was getting really worried about my lack of appetite (*unfortunately an understatement*) so I'm really glad and relieved that I'm feeling better!
I'm feeling ridiculously happy right now! ^___^
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[Sunday . December 2nd, 2007 at 9:47pm] |
Remember this?
But...Really, don't worry about me. I'm fine. ;P
Forget that.
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[Tuesday . November 27th, 2007 at 1:54pm] |
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Wow, I feel pretty good.
I started a research paper, that was supposed to take us several weeks, at 3 AM this morning. Due today.
And I actually finished it.
I won't say that my paper is award-winning material, but being that I wrote the thing in roughly...three hours...I'm pretty content right about now. Even if I was acting very eggplant-like.
Now I want coffee.
Edit: Oh, yeah...To Victoria! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY! I abandoned you last night without even saying "be right back~~~." My phone called...eh, I mean, my friend called. And I thought I said "be right back" but I guess not. SORRY! T_T I hope that all of your schoolwork went well! ;P Talk to you later~. ♥
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[Wednesday . November 14th, 2007 at 7:22pm] |
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I'm now one step closer to doing an independent study next semester. In Japanese, that is.
*crosses fingers*
*FLAIL*
:P
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| あたらしい秋の時。。。 (New Autumn Time...) |
[Wednesday . September 26th, 2007 at 10:36pm] |
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さくら満開 (モーニング娘。さくら組) |
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So, the other day, I decided that I wanted to start a new livejournal. There's no reason for this that's significant enough to mention. Mostly, I was just tired of the name and felt like a change. So I figured, "May as well make a new account!" This amuses me greatly, because I decided the same thing around the same time last year. I've been on livejournal for several years, but ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mahou_rainbow is actually a tiny bit less than a year old. Still, since the time that I created that journal (the beginning of my freshman year of college), I've changed so much. My opinions, beliefs, and dreams have become stronger and more distinct. I've been revealing my feelings to myself a lot more often, despite however negative the emotions may be. Most importantly, my relationships with people have changed greatly over this past year, and I've become a lot closer to people that I didn't know very well at the start of it. You guys, you are truly the most amazing friends that anyone could ever have. I love you all with all of my heart~! ♥ ♥
That being said, welcome to my new journal! ^___^
This journal is Friends Only, because I like to know who's reading it. But I love to make new friends, so please comment if you'd like to be added!
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